The End?

I went to her shop today but didn't know she was there as I thought see was on holiday and went there to see J to give her a note to pass to D but when I saw her it throw me off, I find it so hard for me to see her knowing that see doesn't want to see me. We didn't talk I left her to it and she ignored me like she normally does. She left before me and I let her go but when I left I saw her ahead of me and I ran after her stopped and then run after her again, I had to tell her why I did what I did. I don't know if she believed me or not or if she didn't care I wanted to keep talking to tell her how I felt that night and how I've been feeling but found it so hard that I stopped I think I've made it worse she said she doesn't want to see me anymore I think I've pushed to hard but I now have the problem that I could move to her shop which for me would be good as I would have more responsibilities but I don't think I could last more than a couple of weeks if she doesn't want me there so now I found myself needing to talk to her to ask her if she would be OK for me to work there but I would be there as a shift runner so sometimes I would be her boss and I don't know if I could cope with that if she isn't talking to me still but I worry that she might just see this as an attempt to test the water so to speak if she says's yes that I know she is starting to forgive me if she says's no then I know she still hates me. I don't even dare get other people to ask for me as I'm scared was will feel like shes being ganged up on but I need to know whats going on as I don't feel that I can't take this anymore I'm starting to think about killing myself again and Easter isn't helping I have to much time to try and kill, the things I used to do to help me when I was really down aren't working as well any more I find that I can't write when I'm down which was why I started this blog in the first place as I found it helped putting things down and posting them on the net I started this post over there weeks ago and have found it hard to finish it. Walking took over from the writing and I have been on many long walks some lasting over 6 hours and covering about 18 miles (about 28 km) but now even the walks aren't doing the job, Music just seems to make me want to cry if I listen to much and I found that all I want to do is eat and sleep I can't go on like this it's tearing me apart I keep hoping to she her when I'm out or that she'll pop into my shop for something but at the same time I dread seeing her. I had to go to her shop early in the morning the other week and I thought I saw her there and my heart sank but it wasn't her. When I ask my friends my male friends say give her time but a female friend says to talk to her ask her if she likes me but I think this is a bad idea at the moment but she says's the longer I leave it the worse it will get. So where now, what to do next. I don't know all I know is I need to get it right like I said I don't know how much more of this I can take. It feels like I'm on a cliff face hanging on to a rope which could break and a tide that's coming in, do I climb up and hope the rope will hold my weight for long enough, or do I climb down and hope the tide doesn't drown me or sweep me away, either way could lead to safety, or either could lead to death and that's how I feel right now I want to talk to my friends who know but find that I don't want to worry or scare them. I also feel that talking about it will make it more real some how like if I say I'm going to do it or feel like doing it that I'll have to do it or try to do it maybe I'm just being silly but I can no longer trust my own mind I find it keeps playing tricks on me, I think I'm going mad on top of every thing else that's going on. I'm slow falling apart bit by bit and I fear that I might not make it to Tuesday when I go back to work and if I do make it that far will I make it to next weekend.