D

I've written this as if to D but find myself unable to send it to her.
Hi D I feel as if I have to explain why I sent that text message it wasn't because I was drunk as A told you but it was because She told me you where going out with an ex-boyfriend (I still don't know if this is true, most of the time I think it's not true, sometimes I thing it's me hoping it's not true so we can still be together and somethings I think it's true like when I heard you where going to Paris with someone you know from Brighton but the way people where talking about it I don't know if you two went as friends or lovers) and it felt like I had just had my heart ripped out, I couldn't believe it you put me thou so much pain the last few weeks of not talking to me and you knew how I felt about you and you knew that I wanted to know if you felt the same way and this is how I found out you don't. It took a little while to sink in but when it did it hit me hard I had to go some where to be alone I found a little alley way and started to cry, (I hadn't cried like that for a long time but I've been crying a lot since then.) I tried to pull myself together and go back in for S's party but I made it as far as the bottom of the stairs, on the way down I was looking at the dance floor and at all the couples having a good time, I don't think I've ever seen a dance floor so full of couples and I remember why I want to go outside in the first place It was hurting me to be he alone, I couldn't stay and left just after midnight without saying goodbye to anyone, on my way to the bus I felt bad for the way I left the party and sent S a text to say sorry and wish her a happy birthday, but then all I could think about was you and how much you hurt me The fact that you lied to me and how over the last month or so how many women I had turned down the chance to go out with or have sex with (I've been single for about 5 years and haven't had sex for 3 and a half years I don't normal get this many chance in a year let alone a month) and all because I had hope I still had a chance with you (I know I mucked up at the Christmas party and I know I mucked up again just after valentines day but I wanted, needed to know how you felt about me valentines day was over and my 30th birthday was fast approaching and I was tired and fed up of being alone I needed to feel loved and to feel wanted and wanted to know if I should be looking for someone else or did I have a chance with you. I hated you for what you had put me thou the guilt of upsetting you the not know if you cared or was it just that I'm a push over I find it hard to say no when people ask for my help but you I found it impossible to say no I would go out of my way to try and help you. I wanted you to know how much you hurt me so I sent you that text, I don't think you got all of want I meant in that text but it was a bit read between the lines, and when I got home I pick up a craft knife and wanted to cut my wrists but couldn't do it. I put the knife away locked my bedroom door and tried to sleep but sleep didn't come as my mind was racing but now not just thoughts of you (I was now blaming myself for pushing you away) but also of else troubled me in my life my work and of my home life and my Nan and of how lonely my life was and after 4 hours of all this running through my mind I got up found the knife and held it against my wrist and at the last moment pulled the knife away but not after making a small cut first (just 6 mm long but its just 2 mm away from a vein) and it's not like this was the first time I'd thought about this the Friday evening before scared me as thoughts of cutting my wrists stepped up to thoughts of slitting my throat (wrist cutting is often a cry for help a way to draw attention but throat cutting if done deep enough and cutting the veins can cause death in 3 minutes and is a very final act.) and there I was two days latter wanting to die. it was the thought of my friends and family that stop me this time (plus I was completely sober by then not that i was that drunk to start with not with the price the club wanted for drinks) but next time if I was drunk (I've now add throwing myself in front of traffic to the ways I want to kill myself maybe because I just couldn't cut my wrists). But at first I thought I was better off with out you in my life it hurt but I'd get over it. Then I was sent to your shop and again I saw how hurt you was and I think I saw you crying and again I forgot why I was upset with you. But I've been a wreak barely able to hold myself together sometimes and sometime I try to remember why I'd done what I'd done but I can't stay angry with you for long and as I said earlier I don't know if A got her facts wrong, lied to me or told me the truth. I just know that when she found out that I like you she thought it was all about your tits I don't know if she knows about you and J and not even sure if I know about you and J but I do know you both lied to me about that night and their is only two reasons why you lied why you didn't want me around 1 you don't like me or 2 you two wanted time together. I'm going for the second reason. a mean the two of you could have so easily blamed the rain that night it was raining so hard for most of the night but no you told me two lame excuses one of which I know to be an out right lie.
If you think this is all a lie that ask people, ask S about how I was at the party, ask S C as he knows more than most as I've needed some one to talk to about you and him also being Colombian help me understand the difference between us, and ask E how I was when she was last in my shop ask her about the time I had to have off to help clear my head, and do you know the sad thing on the Monday that I was off I had to come up and see P about getting some counselling sorted out and on my way home I walked past your shop at lunch time and looking in I saw three people working a TL I didn't know N then you standing next to her and I smiled as if the world was OK because you where there.
D I don't know if you will ever read this, I'm not even sure if I want you too, I want to let you know how I feel and way I sent that text but I also don't want you to know the power you have over me not unless I know for sure that you love me the way that I love you and I want us to be together so much but right now I'm not sure if we ever should be together we hurt each other so much and so easily that I don't think I could go though all this again. I do want you to be a part of my life as you mean so much to me. I'm just not sure how big a part but maybe just maybe in time when I've but to bed some of my demons and am feeling stronger maybe there will be a time when we could be together but for that to happen you have to forgive me, and I have to hope that you know me well enough to know that I didn't hurt you just because I got drunk. I know what I did was wrong to try and hurt you back, there is a post by me called darkness dated 2ND Feb which contains the lines " as the need to escape drive me forward but somehow always back, back to where I'm scared, where it's easier to hurt than be hurt, to pray on the weak than be prayed on" and that's what I wanted to do hurt you because you really hurt me. But you are someone I never want to hurt yet keep doing it.
I'll wait for you but for how long I don't know because I need to feel loved and I know there are people out there who like me love me even, but I need to love that person back it would be unfair of me to ask of someone to show me the love that I need if I can't show it to them back and that is how I will live my life if it's a lonely life then so be it. I have to hope that you have read all of this and maybe it's scared you off maybe you'll hate me for it, but hopeful it will help you forgive me.
Love forever
Stephenh79 xXxXx