Wednesday 25 March 2009
The End?
I went to her shop today but didn't know she was there as I thought see was on holiday and went there to see J to give her a note to pass to D but when I saw her it throw me off, I find it so hard for me to see her knowing that see doesn't want to see me. We didn't talk I left her to it and she ignored me like she normally does. She left before me and I let her go but when I left I saw her ahead of me and I ran after her stopped and then run after her again, I had to tell her why I did what I did. I don't know if she believed me or not or if she didn't care I wanted to keep talking to tell her how I felt that night and how I've been feeling but found it so hard that I stopped I think I've made it worse she said she doesn't want to see me anymore I think I've pushed to hard but I now have the problem that I could move to her shop which for me would be good as I would have more responsibilities but I don't think I could last more than a couple of weeks if she doesn't want me there so now I found myself needing to talk to her to ask her if she would be OK for me to work there but I would be there as a shift runner so sometimes I would be her boss and I don't know if I could cope with that if she isn't talking to me still but I worry that she might just see this as an attempt to test the water so to speak if she says's yes that I know she is starting to forgive me if she says's no then I know she still hates me. I don't even dare get other people to ask for me as I'm scared was will feel like shes being ganged up on but I need to know whats going on as I don't feel that I can't take this anymore I'm starting to think about killing myself again and Easter isn't helping I have to much time to try and kill, the things I used to do to help me when I was really down aren't working as well any more I find that I can't write when I'm down which was why I started this blog in the first place as I found it helped putting things down and posting them on the net I started this post over there weeks ago and have found it hard to finish it. Walking took over from the writing and I have been on many long walks some lasting over 6 hours and covering about 18 miles (about 28 km) but now even the walks aren't doing the job, Music just seems to make me want to cry if I listen to much and I found that all I want to do is eat and sleep I can't go on like this it's tearing me apart I keep hoping to she her when I'm out or that she'll pop into my shop for something but at the same time I dread seeing her. I had to go to her shop early in the morning the other week and I thought I saw her there and my heart sank but it wasn't her. When I ask my friends my male friends say give her time but a female friend says to talk to her ask her if she likes me but I think this is a bad idea at the moment but she says's the longer I leave it the worse it will get. So where now, what to do next. I don't know all I know is I need to get it right like I said I don't know how much more of this I can take. It feels like I'm on a cliff face hanging on to a rope which could break and a tide that's coming in, do I climb up and hope the rope will hold my weight for long enough, or do I climb down and hope the tide doesn't drown me or sweep me away, either way could lead to safety, or either could lead to death and that's how I feel right now I want to talk to my friends who know but find that I don't want to worry or scare them. I also feel that talking about it will make it more real some how like if I say I'm going to do it or feel like doing it that I'll have to do it or try to do it maybe I'm just being silly but I can no longer trust my own mind I find it keeps playing tricks on me, I think I'm going mad on top of every thing else that's going on. I'm slow falling apart bit by bit and I fear that I might not make it to Tuesday when I go back to work and if I do make it that far will I make it to next weekend.
Tuesday 24 March 2009
D's side
I don't know if D will ever read this as she isn't talking to me right now in fact she hates me right now (but not as much as I hate myself) for what I have done, but I've found it helpful to write and post blogs about what I'm feeling on the Internet to put it out there where people can read them even if no one reads them . Now below is my side of the story its the very long one (sorry it's a bit of an essay but I've got a lot playing on my mind). I writing this as I want people to know her side so they get more of the picture and don't hate D a lot of what happened has happened because of silly little thing that grew and got bigger but mainly because we didn't communicate with each other which would have solved a lot of this situation.
I ask D out (I know she likes me but not sure if it was just as friends or if it was something more) and she said yes as friends but sometime next week as she was busy this week (it was a Friday) the next week she wasn't feeling to good and was busy the weekend and the next week was valentines weekend on the Thursday I sent her a message on facebook telling her I had some feelings for her and wanted to get to know her better and also asked if she felt the same. The Friday was S's leaving drinks to which D said she'll turn up but I'll be later if we where still there I knew what time she would be free and about 20 to ten sent her a text to say we where still at the pub (I organised the drinks) and waited 10 minutes then tried to phone her straight to voice mail OK I thought she on the underground give her a chance to get here 10 o'clock called her again to (she didn't have far to come) it rang and rang then went to voice mail. OK she tired she gone home but I was upset that she didn't just say she couldn't make it (not the first time this has happened). Saturday (valentines day ) I went out came home alone. Sunday I see she's on msn I say hi 5 minutes no reply I say we need to talk again no reply i leave the mouse alone and wait for msn to say that I'm away still no reply and in all that time her status hasn't change i type something else and wait for... no reply. I go get something to eat and its now been 45 minutes that I've been trying to talk to her but no reply and I'm fed up of her not talking to me be it via phone msn or text and I send her a msn saying she cold and she end up alone and tell her not to talk to me on msn then I blocked her so she could reply and deleted her from my facebook friends I was going to delete her number from my phone but though if I see her name I can choose not to answer it. Then I found out that Colombians don't always want to talk via msn or facebook and when I see her she look hurt and I forget why I was upset with her and want to make it up to her but she's doing what she was told and not talking to me at first I don't know what i can do to try and make it up to her. I know she likes chocolate cake and can't find a really nice one so I decide to make one which goes wrong the oven is too hot for the times they say 20 mins gas mark 4 I cooked 1 cake 18 mins gas mark 1 it still came out burnt the last one I did I put in a cold over and cooked for 20 mins gas mark 1 she still hasn't tried the any of the 6 cakes (shes on holiday at the moment) that I baked but my housemate has put on nearly 8kilos which he blames on the cakes while I've lost 1.1 kilo in the same time then I go to Spain for a holiday bring her back a picture but it got a bit tatty with all the travelling mainly from home to work and i think I may have been make some head way when t S's party I send her a text and as far as she's knows this text is out of the blue ( the text is below) I don't think she's going out with anyone from her reactions and I'm left wondering did A get the information wrong did she lie to hurt one of us or both of us or did she tell the truth and D is a very good actress. It's not very good at telling D's side but it is less bias than my side. I don't know want she thinking or whats she's doing or even how much she's hurting. But for now I have to leave her alone I tried to talk to her but I could see I was hurting and could tell her the truth about what happened not until I know for sure if what A told me was true of false.
I ask D out (I know she likes me but not sure if it was just as friends or if it was something more) and she said yes as friends but sometime next week as she was busy this week (it was a Friday) the next week she wasn't feeling to good and was busy the weekend and the next week was valentines weekend on the Thursday I sent her a message on facebook telling her I had some feelings for her and wanted to get to know her better and also asked if she felt the same. The Friday was S's leaving drinks to which D said she'll turn up but I'll be later if we where still there I knew what time she would be free and about 20 to ten sent her a text to say we where still at the pub (I organised the drinks) and waited 10 minutes then tried to phone her straight to voice mail OK I thought she on the underground give her a chance to get here 10 o'clock called her again to (she didn't have far to come) it rang and rang then went to voice mail. OK she tired she gone home but I was upset that she didn't just say she couldn't make it (not the first time this has happened). Saturday (valentines day ) I went out came home alone. Sunday I see she's on msn I say hi 5 minutes no reply I say we need to talk again no reply i leave the mouse alone and wait for msn to say that I'm away still no reply and in all that time her status hasn't change i type something else and wait for... no reply. I go get something to eat and its now been 45 minutes that I've been trying to talk to her but no reply and I'm fed up of her not talking to me be it via phone msn or text and I send her a msn saying she cold and she end up alone and tell her not to talk to me on msn then I blocked her so she could reply and deleted her from my facebook friends I was going to delete her number from my phone but though if I see her name I can choose not to answer it. Then I found out that Colombians don't always want to talk via msn or facebook and when I see her she look hurt and I forget why I was upset with her and want to make it up to her but she's doing what she was told and not talking to me at first I don't know what i can do to try and make it up to her. I know she likes chocolate cake and can't find a really nice one so I decide to make one which goes wrong the oven is too hot for the times they say 20 mins gas mark 4 I cooked 1 cake 18 mins gas mark 1 it still came out burnt the last one I did I put in a cold over and cooked for 20 mins gas mark 1 she still hasn't tried the any of the 6 cakes (shes on holiday at the moment) that I baked but my housemate has put on nearly 8kilos which he blames on the cakes while I've lost 1.1 kilo in the same time then I go to Spain for a holiday bring her back a picture but it got a bit tatty with all the travelling mainly from home to work and i think I may have been make some head way when t S's party I send her a text and as far as she's knows this text is out of the blue ( the text is below) I don't think she's going out with anyone from her reactions and I'm left wondering did A get the information wrong did she lie to hurt one of us or both of us or did she tell the truth and D is a very good actress. It's not very good at telling D's side but it is less bias than my side. I don't know want she thinking or whats she's doing or even how much she's hurting. But for now I have to leave her alone I tried to talk to her but I could see I was hurting and could tell her the truth about what happened not until I know for sure if what A told me was true of false.
The text message
This is the text message that I sent to
I'm sorry , I don't know how many more times you want me to say that before you forgive me but that was the last time I'll say it, all I wanted from you was know if you felt the same about me as I do for you but now I know you don't give a f**k about me you only cared about what you could get from me so just let me say thank you for breakng my heart and goodbye I hope we don't meet in my next life as I don't want you f**king me over in that life too.
edited for spelling mistakes (I had T9 on and put of instead of me) and swear words only.
The Msn message was along the same sort of lines but ask her to keep away and not talk to me.
I'm sorry , I don't know how many more times you want me to say that before you forgive me but that was the last time I'll say it, all I wanted from you was know if you felt the same about me as I do for you but now I know you don't give a f**k about me you only cared about what you could get from me so just let me say thank you for breakng my heart and goodbye I hope we don't meet in my next life as I don't want you f**king me over in that life too.
edited for spelling mistakes (I had T9 on and put of instead of me) and swear words only.
The Msn message was along the same sort of lines but ask her to keep away and not talk to me.
D
I've written this as if to D but find myself unable to send it to her.
Hi D I feel as if I have to explain why I sent that text message it wasn't because I was drunk as A told you but it was because She told me you where going out with an ex-boyfriend (I still don't know if this is true, most of the time I think it's not true, sometimes I thing it's me hoping it's not true so we can still be together and somethings I think it's true like when I heard you where going to Paris with someone you know from Brighton but the way people where talking about it I don't know if you two went as friends or lovers) and it felt like I had just had my heart ripped out, I couldn't believe it you put me thou so much pain the last few weeks of not talking to me and you knew how I felt about you and you knew that I wanted to know if you felt the same way and this is how I found out you don't. It took a little while to sink in but when it did it hit me hard I had to go some where to be alone I found a little alley way and started to cry, (I hadn't cried like that for a long time but I've been crying a lot since then.) I tried to pull myself together and go back in for S's party but I made it as far as the bottom of the stairs, on the way down I was looking at the dance floor and at all the couples having a good time, I don't think I've ever seen a dance floor so full of couples and I remember why I want to go outside in the first place It was hurting me to be he alone, I couldn't stay and left just after midnight without saying goodbye to anyone, on my way to the bus I felt bad for the way I left the party and sent S a text to say sorry and wish her a happy birthday, but then all I could think about was you and how much you hurt me The fact that you lied to me and how over the last month or so how many women I had turned down the chance to go out with or have sex with (I've been single for about 5 years and haven't had sex for 3 and a half years I don't normal get this many chance in a year let alone a month) and all because I had hope I still had a chance with you (I know I mucked up at the Christmas party and I know I mucked up again just after valentines day but I wanted, needed to know how you felt about me valentines day was over and my 30th birthday was fast approaching and I was tired and fed up of being alone I needed to feel loved and to feel wanted and wanted to know if I should be looking for someone else or did I have a chance with you. I hated you for what you had put me thou the guilt of upsetting you the not know if you cared or was it just that I'm a push over I find it hard to say no when people ask for my help but you I found it impossible to say no I would go out of my way to try and help you. I wanted you to know how much you hurt me so I sent you that text, I don't think you got all of want I meant in that text but it was a bit read between the lines, and when I got home I pick up a craft knife and wanted to cut my wrists but couldn't do it. I put the knife away locked my bedroom door and tried to sleep but sleep didn't come as my mind was racing but now not just thoughts of you (I was now blaming myself for pushing you away) but also of else troubled me in my life my work and of my home life and my Nan and of how lonely my life was and after 4 hours of all this running through my mind I got up found the knife and held it against my wrist and at the last moment pulled the knife away but not after making a small cut first (just 6 mm long but its just 2 mm away from a vein) and it's not like this was the first time I'd thought about this the Friday evening before scared me as thoughts of cutting my wrists stepped up to thoughts of slitting my throat (wrist cutting is often a cry for help a way to draw attention but throat cutting if done deep enough and cutting the veins can cause death in 3 minutes and is a very final act.) and there I was two days latter wanting to die. it was the thought of my friends and family that stop me this time (plus I was completely sober by then not that i was that drunk to start with not with the price the club wanted for drinks) but next time if I was drunk (I've now add throwing myself in front of traffic to the ways I want to kill myself maybe because I just couldn't cut my wrists). But at first I thought I was better off with out you in my life it hurt but I'd get over it. Then I was sent to your shop and again I saw how hurt you was and I think I saw you crying and again I forgot why I was upset with you. But I've been a wreak barely able to hold myself together sometimes and sometime I try to remember why I'd done what I'd done but I can't stay angry with you for long and as I said earlier I don't know if A got her facts wrong, lied to me or told me the truth. I just know that when she found out that I like you she thought it was all about your tits I don't know if she knows about you and J and not even sure if I know about you and J but I do know you both lied to me about that night and their is only two reasons why you lied why you didn't want me around 1 you don't like me or 2 you two wanted time together. I'm going for the second reason. a mean the two of you could have so easily blamed the rain that night it was raining so hard for most of the night but no you told me two lame excuses one of which I know to be an out right lie.
If you think this is all a lie that ask people, ask S about how I was at the party, ask S C as he knows more than most as I've needed some one to talk to about you and him also being Colombian help me understand the difference between us, and ask E how I was when she was last in my shop ask her about the time I had to have off to help clear my head, and do you know the sad thing on the Monday that I was off I had to come up and see P about getting some counselling sorted out and on my way home I walked past your shop at lunch time and looking in I saw three people working a TL I didn't know N then you standing next to her and I smiled as if the world was OK because you where there.
D I don't know if you will ever read this, I'm not even sure if I want you too, I want to let you know how I feel and way I sent that text but I also don't want you to know the power you have over me not unless I know for sure that you love me the way that I love you and I want us to be together so much but right now I'm not sure if we ever should be together we hurt each other so much and so easily that I don't think I could go though all this again. I do want you to be a part of my life as you mean so much to me. I'm just not sure how big a part but maybe just maybe in time when I've but to bed some of my demons and am feeling stronger maybe there will be a time when we could be together but for that to happen you have to forgive me, and I have to hope that you know me well enough to know that I didn't hurt you just because I got drunk. I know what I did was wrong to try and hurt you back, there is a post by me called darkness dated 2ND Feb which contains the lines " as the need to escape drive me forward but somehow always back, back to where I'm scared, where it's easier to hurt than be hurt, to pray on the weak than be prayed on" and that's what I wanted to do hurt you because you really hurt me. But you are someone I never want to hurt yet keep doing it.
I'll wait for you but for how long I don't know because I need to feel loved and I know there are people out there who like me love me even, but I need to love that person back it would be unfair of me to ask of someone to show me the love that I need if I can't show it to them back and that is how I will live my life if it's a lonely life then so be it. I have to hope that you have read all of this and maybe it's scared you off maybe you'll hate me for it, but hopeful it will help you forgive me.
Love forever
Stephenh79 xXxXx
Hi D I feel as if I have to explain why I sent that text message it wasn't because I was drunk as A told you but it was because She told me you where going out with an ex-boyfriend (I still don't know if this is true, most of the time I think it's not true, sometimes I thing it's me hoping it's not true so we can still be together and somethings I think it's true like when I heard you where going to Paris with someone you know from Brighton but the way people where talking about it I don't know if you two went as friends or lovers) and it felt like I had just had my heart ripped out, I couldn't believe it you put me thou so much pain the last few weeks of not talking to me and you knew how I felt about you and you knew that I wanted to know if you felt the same way and this is how I found out you don't. It took a little while to sink in but when it did it hit me hard I had to go some where to be alone I found a little alley way and started to cry, (I hadn't cried like that for a long time but I've been crying a lot since then.) I tried to pull myself together and go back in for S's party but I made it as far as the bottom of the stairs, on the way down I was looking at the dance floor and at all the couples having a good time, I don't think I've ever seen a dance floor so full of couples and I remember why I want to go outside in the first place It was hurting me to be he alone, I couldn't stay and left just after midnight without saying goodbye to anyone, on my way to the bus I felt bad for the way I left the party and sent S a text to say sorry and wish her a happy birthday, but then all I could think about was you and how much you hurt me The fact that you lied to me and how over the last month or so how many women I had turned down the chance to go out with or have sex with (I've been single for about 5 years and haven't had sex for 3 and a half years I don't normal get this many chance in a year let alone a month) and all because I had hope I still had a chance with you (I know I mucked up at the Christmas party and I know I mucked up again just after valentines day but I wanted, needed to know how you felt about me valentines day was over and my 30th birthday was fast approaching and I was tired and fed up of being alone I needed to feel loved and to feel wanted and wanted to know if I should be looking for someone else or did I have a chance with you. I hated you for what you had put me thou the guilt of upsetting you the not know if you cared or was it just that I'm a push over I find it hard to say no when people ask for my help but you I found it impossible to say no I would go out of my way to try and help you. I wanted you to know how much you hurt me so I sent you that text, I don't think you got all of want I meant in that text but it was a bit read between the lines, and when I got home I pick up a craft knife and wanted to cut my wrists but couldn't do it. I put the knife away locked my bedroom door and tried to sleep but sleep didn't come as my mind was racing but now not just thoughts of you (I was now blaming myself for pushing you away) but also of else troubled me in my life my work and of my home life and my Nan and of how lonely my life was and after 4 hours of all this running through my mind I got up found the knife and held it against my wrist and at the last moment pulled the knife away but not after making a small cut first (just 6 mm long but its just 2 mm away from a vein) and it's not like this was the first time I'd thought about this the Friday evening before scared me as thoughts of cutting my wrists stepped up to thoughts of slitting my throat (wrist cutting is often a cry for help a way to draw attention but throat cutting if done deep enough and cutting the veins can cause death in 3 minutes and is a very final act.) and there I was two days latter wanting to die. it was the thought of my friends and family that stop me this time (plus I was completely sober by then not that i was that drunk to start with not with the price the club wanted for drinks) but next time if I was drunk (I've now add throwing myself in front of traffic to the ways I want to kill myself maybe because I just couldn't cut my wrists). But at first I thought I was better off with out you in my life it hurt but I'd get over it. Then I was sent to your shop and again I saw how hurt you was and I think I saw you crying and again I forgot why I was upset with you. But I've been a wreak barely able to hold myself together sometimes and sometime I try to remember why I'd done what I'd done but I can't stay angry with you for long and as I said earlier I don't know if A got her facts wrong, lied to me or told me the truth. I just know that when she found out that I like you she thought it was all about your tits I don't know if she knows about you and J and not even sure if I know about you and J but I do know you both lied to me about that night and their is only two reasons why you lied why you didn't want me around 1 you don't like me or 2 you two wanted time together. I'm going for the second reason. a mean the two of you could have so easily blamed the rain that night it was raining so hard for most of the night but no you told me two lame excuses one of which I know to be an out right lie.
If you think this is all a lie that ask people, ask S about how I was at the party, ask S C as he knows more than most as I've needed some one to talk to about you and him also being Colombian help me understand the difference between us, and ask E how I was when she was last in my shop ask her about the time I had to have off to help clear my head, and do you know the sad thing on the Monday that I was off I had to come up and see P about getting some counselling sorted out and on my way home I walked past your shop at lunch time and looking in I saw three people working a TL I didn't know N then you standing next to her and I smiled as if the world was OK because you where there.
D I don't know if you will ever read this, I'm not even sure if I want you too, I want to let you know how I feel and way I sent that text but I also don't want you to know the power you have over me not unless I know for sure that you love me the way that I love you and I want us to be together so much but right now I'm not sure if we ever should be together we hurt each other so much and so easily that I don't think I could go though all this again. I do want you to be a part of my life as you mean so much to me. I'm just not sure how big a part but maybe just maybe in time when I've but to bed some of my demons and am feeling stronger maybe there will be a time when we could be together but for that to happen you have to forgive me, and I have to hope that you know me well enough to know that I didn't hurt you just because I got drunk. I know what I did was wrong to try and hurt you back, there is a post by me called darkness dated 2ND Feb which contains the lines " as the need to escape drive me forward but somehow always back, back to where I'm scared, where it's easier to hurt than be hurt, to pray on the weak than be prayed on" and that's what I wanted to do hurt you because you really hurt me. But you are someone I never want to hurt yet keep doing it.
I'll wait for you but for how long I don't know because I need to feel loved and I know there are people out there who like me love me even, but I need to love that person back it would be unfair of me to ask of someone to show me the love that I need if I can't show it to them back and that is how I will live my life if it's a lonely life then so be it. I have to hope that you have read all of this and maybe it's scared you off maybe you'll hate me for it, but hopeful it will help you forgive me.
Love forever
Stephenh79 xXxXx
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